I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
