She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
