I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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