We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
