Already got asked if we're dating
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
