Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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