I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
