Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
