we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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