I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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