you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
