So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
