I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
