I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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