"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Randomize
