god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
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