I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
