all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
