I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
