I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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