So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
