whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
