this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
