I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
