my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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