I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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