Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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