I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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