we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
