cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Randomize
