you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
My vagina is very pro this idea
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
