my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
