The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
