do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
