Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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