Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I want to be your penis for a week.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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