Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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