I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
