my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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