I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
