watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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