Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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