The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
