They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Randomize
