I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
