i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
