i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
