why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
