1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
