I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Randomize
