just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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